A 3-step plan for dealing with troubling e-messages
You know the moment—you see the email in your inbox from your toxic co-parent.
Or the Slack message from your micro-managing and bullish boss.
Or the text from your friend who you haven’t heard from since you had a big argument.
Your stomach turns, or your heart drops down through a chute, or your throat closes up.
You start ruminating on how awful the message could be. Or you ignore it and try to block it out of your head for as long as is reasonably possible.
Or maybe you rip the bandaid off and read it right away, and then you ruminate on it or try to block it out of your mind.
Or you fire something right back that’s half-baked, passive-aggressive (or aggressive-aggressive) or in some way something you wish you hadn’t said once you’ve sent it.
And then the whole cycle starts over again as you subtlety brace for when their name pops up on your screen again.
I’m getting tense just writing about this! (Insert shaking arms and shoulders here.)
The question is, how else can you respond when you have a message to read that you anticipate won’t feel good?
First, don’t ignore your nervous system’s response. You might suddenly feel mobilized—your heart beats fast, your eyes dart, your breath is quick and shallow.
Or you might feel immobilized—you go numb, your mind gets foggy and you feel quiet and withdrawn.
If either of those things happen it’s a survival response, and if you don’t do something to try to regulate your nervous system you might get stuck in that dysregulated state.
In addition to that not being a pleasant experience, it also doesn’t set you up to be able to address the content of the message from the most capable part of you.
So start by doing something to attend to your nervous system and send it the message that you’re safe. You could:
Look around the room you’re in and name 3 things you see that are blue.
Shake your arms and do a couple forceful exhales.
Splash cool water on your face.
Cross your arms over your chest and give yourself a hug.
Feel your feet on the ground and think of someone you feel loved and supported by.
All of these are ways for you to feel resourced, rather than stripped of your resilience, as you prepare to open the message and read it.
Once you have a felt sense of being present with yourself, open the message and take a look. Maybe it's no big deal. Phew!
Maybe it sets you off and you feel disassociated or spun out. If so, go back and repeat step one until you can feel resourced and present again.
Once you feel more regulated, the second step is to soothe yourself. Are you scared? Are you pissed? Are you nervous? Whatever the emotion you feel, offer yourself some empathy.
My favorite self-empathy hack is to use the two words I learned from author Sarah Peyton—of course. As in, “of course I feel scared.”
Just those two simple words of course can be remarkably grounding even in the midst of an uncomfortable feeling.
Because giving yourself the message that how you feel makes sense (even if you don’t like it) rather than fighting or judging how you feel has a soothing effect on your brain and nervous system.
Steps one and two above are non-negotiable when it comes to the stomach turning moment after you see a potentially triggering message come in.
(They also happen to apply any time you feel upset, regardless of whether it’s related to a digital conversation or related to ANY aspect of being human.)
The third step--advocating--is up to your discretion. Advocating is saying or doing something to be a stand for yourself.
To be sure, what you say depends on the specific situation, but the goal is to say what’s true in a way that is respectful and kind—to them and to you.
This is where it’s useful to remember that being your own ally does not necessitate making the other person your enemy. You can be an advocate for yourself without tearing the other person down.
So, knowing that you can’t control the response the other person will have to what you say, get clear about what can you say and still like yourself for saying it after you send it.
This step of advocating for yourself, when you feel resourced, brave and safe enough to do it, is important for two reasons.
First, it sends yourself the message that you will stand up for yourself in tough situations, which increases your self-trust. And self-trust--and the sense of safety that comes with it--have a compounding effect that can then be applied in all aspects of your life.
The other reason it’s important is that advocating for yourself has the potential to change the external situation for the better. Though this doesn't always happen, not trying almost never changes anything.
So the steps again are:
Regulate
Soothe
Advocate
Using these steps still may not make it a wholly pleasant experience, but it hopefully will be less costly to your mind, heart and nervous system.
Here’s to not having to hide from your inbox!
Want to get better at regulation, self-soothing and advocating for yourself? Check out my Linkedin Learning courses that have practical skills and accessible practices to help you do just that!