Relationships aren't like cats
Last week I wrote about how curiosity is key to closeness, particularly in romantic relationships.
I want to revisit the topic of curiosity again this week because, well, I have more to say about how important is is in any kind of relationship.
Consider these two scenarios:
Scenario A: You’re catching up with a friend and you tell them about a movie you saw that you loved. They exclaim, “Me too!” And go on to tell you about two other movies they saw that you should watch.
Scenario B: You’re catching up with a friend and you tell them about a movie you saw that you loved. They exclaim, “Me too!” And then ask you, “What did you love about it?”
Feel different?
Scenario A reinforces that we like the same things, which is a type of superficial closeness.
Scenario B is an invitation to know more about the other person, and includes openness to the fact that what they liked might be different than what you liked.
That kind of deeper knowing—and acceptance of differences—lends itself to real closeness.
How about this:
Scenario A: Your teenager asks you if he can have his friend over to play a video game he’s obsessed with. You say, “Ugh, no! Why don’t you guys go play basketball or something that doesn’t rot your brain?”
Scenario B: Your teenager asks you if he can have his friend over to play a video game he’s obsessed with. You say “What about that game lights you guys up?”
Maybe you still hate video games as much as you did in Scenario A, but in Scenario B you set your bias aside to open the possibility of learning something new.
What if, for example, your son lights up and tells you how in the game he gets to problem solve, and that with his friend on his team he feels more confident to lead them into more challenging situations—does that make you more open to him having his friend over to play that game?
Maybe, maybe not. But either way, I guarantee you your son will feel like you cared about him enough to enter his world rather than immediately judging it.
Ok, one more:
Scenario A: The person who reports to you at work asks to take on more leadership than you feel they’re ready for. You say “No, I’m not comfortable with you stepping into that role.”
Scenario B: The person who reports to you at work asks to take on more leadership than you feel they’re ready for. You say, “What’s important about having more leadership to you?”
In Scenario B you have the possibility of learning the drive behind the request and perhaps being able to offer a way for them to get to a similar experience without agreeing to their request that you aren’t comfortable granting.
Or you could follow up with more curiosity by saying, “I can’t give you more of a leadership role at this point, but I hear that feeling engaged at work is important to you. How else can I support you in feeling engaged?”
I find it fascinating that this level of genuine interest in another person’s experience—especially someone we care about and spend a lot of time with—isn’t necessarily default.
Maybe we grew up being admonished about curiosity killing the cat whenever we showed too much inquisitiveness, and it stuck in our heads that it’s rude to ask questions.
But relationships aren’t cats; genuine interest does anything but kill a relationship.
So if you want more closeness and rich relationships in your life—whether with your spouse, friends, family or colleagues—I encourage you to lead with more curiosity in your every day exchanges.
If the desire is there but you just don’t know HOW, I encourage you to check out my signature online program, Yours Truly. In addition to leveraging your nervous system and understanding where your outdated (and not useful!) patterns of relating may have come from, you’ll also get a healthy dose of learning the practicals of how to communicate in a way where you get to be a stand for you while also being kind and considerate to others.