When their face says it all, what do you say?

You’ve probably been there.

You’re having a conversation with someone and they say they’re open to what you have to say, but their arms are tightly crossed and they’re slightly turned away from you.

Or maybe the expression on their face reads “what the hell are you talking about?” or “screw you!” far more than it does, “tell me more!”

It’s a fine line between responding in a way that feels authentic and solid without being accusatory or victimy.

Depending on the person and the situation, it’s possible that saying, “you seem irritated” would be received well and act as an invitation to speak honestly about their response.

But it’s also likely the person will feel like you’re being presumptuous and trying to scold or control them—and that will only irritate them more!

Another tack would be to say “I feel hurt when you look at me that way.” It gets points for being true and an “I” statement, and again, it may act as a gentle reminder for the other person to “wake up” and engage with you with more compassion.


But it would also be easy for the other person to call you “too sensitive” or to deny looking or seeming a particular way, especially if they’re already a little on edge. And then you’re left with no ground to stand on.

When you’re trying to call someone out on their body language or facial expression sending a strong message, it can be a good place to pull out the good ol” “the story I’m telling myself” line.


As in, “The story I’m telling myself based on your facial expression is that you’re irritated by what I’m saying.”



That way, you’re not telling them how they feel (because there’s nothing more irritating than being told how you feel, especially when you think you’re doing a good job of hiding how you feel, or you don't know how you feel!).

And you’re also not alluding to them looking or being a certain “way,” which is too easy for them to deflect or defend.

You’re simply acknowledging that they have a facial expression that sends you a particular kind of message—which may not be their intention but remains the way it lands for you.

Speaking of how it lands for you, depending on the situation, you could say, “How is this landing with you?”

If they say they’re irritated or upset, don’t try to talk them out of it. Ask them to tell you more about what’s irritating or upsetting to them.

And if they don’t cop to being irritated, you could say, “Thanks for telling me your experience. I asked because I was concerned you were upset.”

That way, if they were at all upset, it’s a softer approach to talking about it…or at the very least letting them know you saw something that may not have been aware of which helps you to feel seen.

Both are ways of making a bid to them to take a beat and connect with their own experience and then to hopefully be able to be more relational with you.

The last idea that comes to mind is something I’ve said to people who aren’t very self-aware and tend to bulldoze or bully.

For example, I used this line once in a session with a couple when I was pointing out how the husband seemed to use his temper to get his way in their household. As I was talking, he was absolutely glaring at me in a way that felt a little threatening.

I stopped mid-sentence, calmly looked him in the eye, and said “I feel like you’re waiting for me to shut up.”

The glare on his face softened. It was as if he was so surprised by what I said that it disarmed him.

To be clear, he was still defensive, but he dropped the hostility. I can work with defensiveness, but I’m not willing to work with hostility.

All of this to say, what you say really depends on who the person is, what the situation is, and what the body language or facial expression is.

What I’m wanting to point out is that you don’t have to pretend you don’t see it, and pussyfoot around.

But that there are ways you can draw their attention to the message their body is sending that are more likely to have the desired effect, rather than add fuel to the fire.

Wishing you a quick and relational tongue on the spot.

Want to feel more confident about how you show up with the difficult people in your life? Check out Yours Truly.