Avoid the spiritual bypassing trap

When I was in my early 20’s I was a bit of a shit show.

It wasn’t because I was out partying or had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. 

Quite the contrary: I had done everything “right” by going to the good school, designing a major I was wildly passionate about, and even marrying a good guy and settling into a quiet life together. 

But then I somehow managed to blow up my marriage, and before I knew it, I was divorced and emotionally adrift by age 23.

By “somehow,” I mean that at the time I had no idea what happened. I was smart, had purpose and drive and good values, and I thought I had what it took to have a healthy relationship. 

Apparently I was wrong on this last one. I knew so little about how to have a healthy relationship in actual practice that I didn’t even know what I didn’t know.

Rather than diving headlong into therapy (which I didn’t want to admit I needed) or somatic coaching and nervous system regulation (which I didn’t even know existed at the time), I spiritually bypassed the hell out of all of my pain and challenges.

If you haven’t heard of “spiritual bypass,” you’ve probably seen it. It’s the term psychologist and author John Welwood came up with to describe when someone uses spiritual ideas and practices to avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks. Yeah, that.

When I was 23, I was eye-ball deep in my yoga and meditation practice. I spiritually bypassed by believing that if I could find peace and calm inside when I was practicing yoga and reading spiritual texts then surely everything else in my life would work out. 

I also remember saying often, “everything happens for a reason!” Which might as well be the slogan for spiritual bypassing.

It wasn’t until I lost two good friends because they couldn’t be around my denial of reality that I woke up and started on a healing journey that was multi-disciplinary and addressed all of me—including not just my spirit, but also my brain, body, emotions and nervous system.

The work I do now with clients—and my emphasis on the importance of an integrated approach to relational growth and healing—stems directly from this time in my life when I was in such profound relational pain and had so few resources to address it. 

I go into this in greater depth in this interview with Anna Stromquist and Kristina Wiltsee on their podcast, This Spiritual Fix.

Fellow seekers on the path of personal development, Sophia and Kristin ask a ton of great questions about the nitty gritty of HOW to actually stay grounded in your body, manage your nervous system and emotions, and take on all the lifey stuff life throws at us.

Give it a listen here. It’s chockfull of goodies for keeping you out of the spiritual bypassing trap.

Jay Fields