The epidemic of needless people

Years ago, a mentor of mine in a group coaching setting said to me “You’re needy, Jay.”

I wanted to throw up and cry and run away all at once.

But she wasn’t trying to tell me I was needy in a cloying, helpless kind of way. (Although at that point that was the only thing “needy” could possibly mean to me.)

She was trying to make the point that I have needs. Because I’m a human. And to point out just how uncomfortable and squirmy admitting that I had needs made me.

Try it out: Say “I’m needy.” Or “I have needs.” 

How does that land?

If it’s uncomfortable or squirmy or makes your stomach turn or your eyes water or anything other than what saying “I’m a human” would evoke, you’re probably a part of the needless epidemic.

And by needless, let me be clear: I don’t mean to suggest you are, in fact, needless. No one is. Everyone has needs.

Needless people are simply the people who have somehow tried to convince themselves that they don’t have needs.

Or that their own needs, should they have them, don’t matter as much as the needs of others. 

You’ll recognize needlessness by such things as being boundaryless, people-pleasing, stuffing your emotions, and being burned out. 

But here’s the other thing needless people have in common—they don’t think their insides matter. 

Think about that for a moment. 

If I think my insides—my visceral, energetic and emotional experience—matter, then I don’t see any issue in expressing a need.

If I think that someone else would consider my feelings and my experience, I don’t feel like a selfish narcissist for asking someone to consider me. 

So how do you shift out of needlessness?

You start with making your insides matter. That could be as simple as letting yourself steep with the words, “My insides matter.” 

And then, to walk the talk, couple those words with tracking your inner experience. Get curious about your sensations, energy level, mood, and emotional responses in a given situation. 

Why? Because these are the things that comprise your experience. And your experience is what comprises your life. 

And if you don’t pay attention to your experience and make your insides matter, your life will stop feeling like yours.

Your job, relationships and the way you spend your time might be great, but they won’t feel like they’re yours.

If this message resonates with you, I encourage you to sign up for Yours Truly, my signature online program that gives you the skills and support you need to stand in a life that’s truly yours.