Are you a chameleon or are you oblivious?

When I was a teenager, I was a chameleon. 

Whether it was kids at school, my parents’ friends, or a stranger in the grocery store, I could pretty quickly figure out who they needed me to be in order to feel comfortable around me, and then be that.

I actually took pride in being a chameleon, for being so good at reading others and then knowing what aspects of me I wanted to show off, hide or alter. 

I looked at other kids who seemed so rude and disrespectful to other people and I secretly considered myself better than them at relating.

But I was no better than them. I was just on the opposite end of the spectrum than them.

On one end of the spectrum is the chameleon who is so other-centric that they don’t—or can’t—have a strong sense of self. Everything about who they are is a reaction to who and what is around them. 

At the other end of the spectrum are the people who are oblivious. We usually think of them as rude or disrespectful, but I would argue that much of the time it’s more appropriate to say they’re not trying to be a jerk, they’re just unaware of their surroundings or the experience of other people.

So you’ve got the chameleons who are too other-centric, and the oblivious ones who are not other-centric enough.

(For the record, most of my clients are chameleons who are dealing with the oblivious people they’re in relationship with, because—big surprise!—that tends to be a matching picture.)

I had lunch with a friend yesterday who shared this awesome story about something he and his wife are working on with their twelve year old son.

“We’ve been talking with him a lot about knowing his audience,” my friend said.

“As in, do you want to keep talking about the intricacies of your video game when your friend’s eyes are glazing over? Or do you want to crack the joke about masturbation with your grandma in earshot?”

And here’s where I felt so proud of my friend’s parenting: He went on to say, “I told my son I’m not saying you shouldn’t, I’m just saying pay attention and make it a choice.” 

I put my fork down and enthusiastically started clapping. I loved this!

The message: Know your audience AND know yourself so you can consciously choose how to be yourself.

Raise your hand if you wished you’d gotten that lesson in junior high.

That stance is the middle of the spectrum. You’re not a chameleon who has no sense of self, and you’re not an oblivious person who has no sense of other. 

You’re a person in relationship with another person making a choice about how you want to relate. And THAT makes you good at truly relating.

So here’s your homework: pay attention to where you are on the spectrum.

If you’re more of a chameleon, turn up how much attention you pay to your insides when you’re around other people.

What’s true for you? What did it feel like to hear what you just heard? What do you want? What would feel good for you?

If you’re more oblivious, turn up how much attention you pay to what’s going on outside.

Watch out for having tunnel vision or feeling like a turtle in your shell. Put your phone down and really look at someone’s face and body language. See what you can read into the situation.

And here’s the extra credit: if you’re like my clients who tend to be chameleons dealing with oblivious people, stop telling them they’re being rude or disrespectful.

That tends to just lead to defensiveness, especially if they really do feel like they respect you even if their behavior doesn’t show it.

Instead, ask them to consider you.

You can even let them off the hook and say, “I don’t think you’re rude or disrespectful, I just think you didn’t consider me.” And then tell them what it would look or sound like to be considered.

People usually respond better when you don’t tell them who or how they are (rude) vs. tell them how their behavior felt to you…and then give them the steps to making it feel better.

If you want more relational skills like this, check out my signature online program, Yours Truly.