Velcro for the good

You’ve probably heard the phrase that your brain is like velcro for the bad stuff and teflon for the good stuff.

What does that mean? 

It means you’re wired to remember your experiences that are uncomfortable, negative, challenging and difficult BETTER than you remember your experiences that are comfortable, positive, easy and good.

Evolutionarily, it’s a useful thing—it means you’re more likely to remember what the poisonous berry looks like so you don’t eat it again.

Relationally, though, it’s kind of a bum deal.

You’re more likely to have a bias to all the stuff that doesn’t feel good or isn’t going well.

I know I’ve been guilty of this: having a “yeah, yeah” attitude toward all that’s positive in my life, but being like a dog with a bone around the things that are hard.

Sound familiar?

I also know that I’ve moved on from a big accomplishment—like finishing a multi-month project or changing a pernicious habit—with no acknowledgement. Just on to the next thing to try to meet my own high expectations.

That’s why the first thing we do on a Yours Truly group coaching call (after a quick practice for regulating our nervous system) is share PIRLS. 

PIRLS stands for Progress in Real Life, and it’s a way of sharing wins the participants have had from applying the learning in the course.

It’s a way of celebrating the little milestones that demonstrate they are doing something new and positive.

Marking these milestones and celebrating these wins is so important because it makes it more real to your brain that you CAN change old patterns.

It also helps to dismantle the negative stories you tell in your head—the ones that commonly have “always” and “never” attached to them.

As in, “I always get triggered when…” or “I’m never going to be able to set a boundary.”

Having velcro for the good—and going from learning new ways of being to DOING things in a new way—takes practice. 

Want to get better at having velcro for the GOOD?

I encourage you to create a “Trust Jar,” whether it’s a real jar or the image of one in your mind.

How a Trust Jar works is that each time you do something you feel proud of or good about, you make a deposit into the jar—whether it’s a penny or a stone or colored glass, whatever you like.

If it’s something you’re suuuuuper proud of, then you can put in a handful!

For example, if you want to be less reactive when your kids are distracting you while you’re on a zoom call or when your spouse brings up that topic, you’d make a deposit in your Trust Jar when you respond to those triggers in a way you feel proud of.

It’s a way of patting yourself on the back that is also visual and tactile, which makes it feel more real to your brain. 

This comes in handy when your brain slips back into being velcro for the bad and gets looped in all the negative stories about how you show up in your life.

When that happens, you can look at your Trust Jar and be reminded of all the times you’ve shown up in ways that you are proud of.

It’s called a Trust Jar, then, because it’s about tracking the ways that you are trustworthy to yourself.

If the Trust Jar isn’t your thing, I get it. But do something for yourself to acknowledge when you accomplish something you didn’t think you could, or apply some awareness into a new way of being! 

High five yourself, do a 10 second dance party, reach out to a friend or a loved one and ask them to give you a standing ovation! 

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