The golden rule sucks

Back in my twenties I was a ropes course facilitator. Think corporate team building a few stories off the ground on elements with names like the Flying Squirrel and the Pamper Pole. (So named because a significant number of people had exclaimed that they wished they had on pampers while standing at the top of it).

At the beginning of the day when I would teach the group how to put on their harnesses, I would also take time to set expectations, to talk about real vs perceived risk, and to create some ground rules around how to support each other.

“How many of you think you should support your colleagues today using the golden rule of treat others as you’d like to be treated?” I would ask.

Nearly every hand would go up, and there would be a lot of knowing nods.

“Well, we have a rule around here to not follow the golden rule,” I’d share. “Its heart is in the right place, but it sucks.”

There’d be a lot of blank stares or uncomfortable foot shifting.

I’d encourage them to consider it—“Why do you think we don’t follow the golden rule out here?”

Eventually someone would questioningly say, “Because you don’t know if someone else wants to be treated the same way you do?”

Bingo.

There are people who, when they are wobbling on a pole 60 feet up in the air, want their colleagues to scream their bloody heads off in support.

There are others who want dead silence so they can concentrate. There are others who want just a few trusted people in their line of sight along with some steady clapping from the rest of the throng.

The point is, how could you know if you don’t ask? You’re likely to scream at the person who wants silence or the person who prefers loud encouragement could get crickets. 

And that, to me, seems sad. It’s a moment of loneliness, frustration or hurt that’s so easily avoidable. If you just ask.

It doesn’t just apply to Pamper Pole etiquette. This is life, ya’ll. 

Ask your colleagues, “Is there a way you’d like me to offer you support?”

Ask your partners, “What could I do that would make you feel like I’m really on your team?”

Ask your kids,”I love it when people ______ to show me they believe in me, does that feel good to you?”

Don’t assume. What feels good to you, no matter how loving your intention, may not feel good to someone else.

Who are you going to check in with this week about how they’d like you to show up?

AND! Who are you going to tell how you like to be supported or cared for?

Down with the golden rule!

Want more compassionate wisdom and practical tools for making your relationships feel more fulfilling? Check out Yours Truly.