You're too sensitive!

If you’ve been on the receiving end of those words, you know that "you're too sensitive" may be three of the ickiest words in the English language to receive.

​In part because, when someone says them to you, it’s probably a moment when you’re feeling vulnerable and wanting more than anything to be understood and to feel connected. Being called too sensitive couldn’t be farther from feeling understood and connected.

​So what normally happens—in my own experience and in the experience of the dozens of clients I’ve coached on this very thing—is that you clam up and don’t know what to say. And then you leave the exchange feeling even more sensitive, and either resentful to the other person for calling you that or annoyed at yourself for being that. Or both.

It’s also possible you don’t clam up when someone calls you too sensitive, and instead you go to the “fight” end of the spectrum by saying something particularly barbed back at that person. Either way, these “too sensitive” exchanges typically don’t feel great.

So what do you say instead?

Well, it depends on the situation. But here’s a general response for the next time someone says, “You’re too sensitive!” Try saying: “Have you ever thought that maybe you’re too insensitive??”

Yeah, I know. It’s not the most “sensitive” thing to say. But it’s probably not wrong. And sometimes it’s worth being a little pointed if you want to make a point!

If you want to be a little more relational about it, you could dig deep and say it this way instead:

“I hear you that you think I’m being too sensitive, and I can see why you'd feel that way. But can you understand how I might feel like you’re not considering my experience?”

This way is more relational because you’re not shooting down the other person’s experience, but you ARE inviting them to consider yours. It’s an invitation for them to take a beat and look at the situation with a little more softness and perspective—one that includes you.

Because the losing strategy that I see over and over in this kind of situation is to give yourself away by agreeing with the person who is accusing you of doing something wrong by being sensitive. That’s what you do when you clam up and can’t be a stand for your experience. It’s also what you do when you feel you have to fight for your experience be valid.

Simply asking the person to consider why you might be acting that way is a way of validating that you’re not wrong or too sensitive for feeling the way you do.

But here’s where it gets tricky: what if you know there’s something about your response that feels off to you?

And by off, I mean you don’t feel in your own center. You can sense that you’re making their opinion or perspective matter more than yours. You’re taking something too personally. Or you’re not able to feel grounded even as you’re having a big emotion so you’re getting pushy or pully.

This, by the way, is every one of us at some point.

It can be really hard to come back to yourself, process what you’re feeling, and become clear about what you want to say in the moment. That's ok! Ask for some space so you can. It doesn’t have to be resolved in that moment.

You could say, “When you just said I was being too sensitive, it made me realize that I feel knocked off center and I’m not showing up how I’d like to.” Then ask for some space and tell them when you’d like to regroup. In 20 minutes? At dinner? Tomorrow? Next time you meet?

Asking to take space but giving the other person an indication of when you’ll be ready to interact again isn’t running away—it’s giving yourself time to come in alignment with yourself and your resilience.

Doing that helps you grow confidence in your insides, which makes you feel less sensitive and more emotionally fluent. And THAT is the feedback loop you want for feeling more aligned with yourself and more solid in how you interact with others!

Want in-depth support for being in alignment with yourself? Check out YOURS TRULY.