Stop tolerating false harmony

Relationships are supposed to be harmonious.

Or at least that’s the message we’ve been told that keeps so many of us contorting ourselves to stay in false harmony with the people in our lives.

What’s false harmony? It’s when you do what you need to do and be who you need to be to not rock the boat—even if it’s out of alignment with what’s true for you.

It’s watering yourself down or making yourself small to keep things copacetic.

It’s the opposite of authenticity.

And it doesn’t tend to make people feel very good about themselves when they do it.

But here’s the thing: so many of us have grown to tolerate the discomfort of false harmony more than the discomfort of disharmony.

Take that in.

And then hear me when I say this doesn’t make any sense.

I mean, it makes sense given messages we’ve been taught about what it means to be loving—in particular that we are responsible for other peoples’ feelings and that healthy relationships always feel easy.

It also makes sense when it comes to the fact that so many people look for emotional soothing and validation from other people first before themselves.

But it doesn’t make any sense when it comes to making the conscious decision that it’s somehow more comfortable to be out of alignment with yourself than it is to be out of alignment with someone else.

Which isn’t me saying that I’d prefer you to only be in alignment with yourself and not the people closest to you. But it is me saying that you can’t ever authentically and completely be in alignment with someone else if you aren’t first in alignment with yourself.


It’s the don’t settle for crumbs when you could have a full meal mentality.

So I’m writing this to ask you to consider—what if you got better at tolerating the discomfort of disharmony so that you didn’t feel compelled, consciously or not, to create false harmony?

In order to truly consider this, first think about what it feels like to you when you’re creating false harmony? People often say things like it feels like walking on eggshells or like I’m putting on a mask or a veneer.

And then bring to your awareness what it feels like to you when you’re out of harmony with someone, especially someone you love? It could be anything from when you disagree with them about something, to a time when you’re simply in wildly different moods or energy levels.


Get curious about what these two things feel like in your body. What’s the same about the discomfort of false harmony and the discomfort of being out of harmony with someone you love? What’s different?

Get familiar with what these two states feel like and how you behave in them. And then take on this challenge as your first step toward no longer tolerating false harmony:

The next time you find yourself contorting in some way to create false harmony, interrupt yourself and allow for the disharmony.
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And then see what it feels like to name to yourself what that disharmony brings up in you. Maybe something like “I’m scared if we don’t see eye to eye on this it means we’re too disconnected to love one another.” Or “I’m scared it will always feel this way.” Or “I’m mad that they won’t change to make this better.”

Practice staying with yourself and letting the disharmony exist for a bit. If you can do this, you’ll also be better able to make a repair or a reconnection in an authentic way when the time comes--because you wouldn’t have gotten out of alignment with yourself at any point.

Try it out. I’m not saying it will be easy. But I’m always a fan of doing hard things for the sake of something healthy rather than doing hard things for the sake of something that only perpetuates unhealthy patterns.

And remember—whenever you need to, imagine I’m there with you and you can hear me telling you that I have your back. :)

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