Parenting truth bomb
September always makes me think about back to school, and this year, that has me thinking about a story a client once told me.
It was about how her mom laid out an outfit for her the night before every school day…through high school.
Yep, that’s right. Her mom picked out her outfit for her all the way through her senior year in high school.
My client never revolted against this practice because she was so used to being controlled that she just went with it.
Unconsciously, she didn’t believe that if she asserted her opinion and wore what she wanted she could still have a relationship with her mom. The unspoken rule was my way or the highway.
This is kind of an extreme example, but it isn’t an uncommon story for my clients—that they had parents who in subtle or not-so-subtle ways told them who and how they should be.
These clients, understandably, equate relationship with being controlled.
And understandably, these clients have difficulty having a trustworthy connection with their insides.
Because they’ve never been asked what they want, or experienced their primary caregivers having interest in their insides, they have a difficult time being in touch with and trusting their feelings, preferences, desires and opinions.
And because they’re used to being controlled, they have a difficult time doing anything but keeping loved ones at an arm’s distance.
These are the sorts of things my client and I were working on. But in one session, being a mom herself, she brought up that she was terrified of passing this kind of treatment on to her not-yet-school-age daughter.
“I don’t want to control her the way my mom controlled me,” she confided.
I empathized with her, and told her I didn’t think she would. Here’s why: because she was learning how to be with her insides, including being with her own discomfort.
And then I dropped this truth bomb:
Parents who control their kids don’t do it because they’re unloving or bad people.
They control their kids because 1. they see their kids as an extension of themselves, and 2. because they don’t know how to manage their own discomfort.
For example—if I see my daughter as an extension of me, then how she dresses, the emotion she feels, who she loves, the grades she gets, the job she chooses, are all a reflection of ME.
And if I don’t think those things are acceptable, or they make me uncomfortable for any reason—and I don’t know how to be with that discomfort—I will unconsciously control who and how she is.
Don’t act silly in public because you’ll make me look stupid and I can’t handle that.
Don’t pick that career because my colleagues will judge me and I’m not resilient enough to stand up to that.
Don’t love that person because the people at church would judge me and I wouldn’t feel like I belonged.
Don’t feel that feeling because I don’t know what to do with that feeling in you or in me.
See how that works? The only option is control.
So if you’re a parent, one of the ultimate gifts you can give your children is to develop your sense of self and to let them develop THEIR sense of self.
And that’s going to require that you don’t make them responsible for managing your emotional discomfort. That’s your job.
When you take responsibility for your own discomfort, they get to be who they are. And when you show interest in and ask your kids more about their insides, they get to trust who they are more.
And that means a world in which your kids and your kids’ kids don’t need a coach like me. :)
If you read this and you have a sinking feeling in your stomach that you may not be so great at letting your kid express who they are without wanting to control them, please be kind to yourself.
Remember, it’s not because you don’t love them or don’t want the best for them. But it is a call for you to bring your attention back to yourself and learn some skills for regulating your nervous system, managing your emotions and generally befriending your insides.
Want to learn foundational skills for managing your emotions and regulating your nervous system? Check out my online courses that address these two topics.